by Carol Russell A dharma talk given May 21, 2024 This is something I have been considering lately. The Buddha seemed very interested in working with what it is to be a human being. After he encountered the four sights as a young man (old age, sickness, death, and an ascetic person), what he saw sent him on his spiritual search After his ascetic phase, in which he had so mortified his body he nearly starved himself, he realized this way of denial was not leading to the end of suffering. In his realization, he no longer sought to transcend the human body. The teachings he brought forth recognize humanness, the human condition. After his liberation, he brought his teachings right into this conventional everyday muddled human life. He illuminated the middle way as a way to liberation from dissatisfaction: not indulging and not denying. We eat, so instead of getting rid of eating, which didn’t go well for him, he brought in teachings around eating. Teachings we now have of self-care, of non-harming, of mindful eating. He recommended we seek out quiet spaces to practice. But instead of insisting on total silence, and having aversion to the inevitable noise, he taught how to incorporate sound into practice. Through this we learn that nothing is outside of mindfulness. Humans are talkers, so he made recommendations for how speech might be used that is mindful and appropriate to the situation. This is the subject of tonight’s talk. Wise speech. In fact, mindful speech holds a prominent place in these teachings. This is surely a reflection of how important the Buddha regarded communication. In the Noble Eightfold Path teachings, a wholistic practical summary of the path, wise speech is singled out as one of the eight keys of practice leading to liberation. Wise speech gets its very own place In a way this talk is a follow up to my talk a few months ago about wholesome view in which I invited us to look at how, in today’s challenging political environment, we may hold polarized views about people on the other side of the political divide. How these days, without knowing it, we often have views of large swaths of our fellow citizens that are stereotyping, dismissing, ridiculing and contemptuous. And how this polarized thinking about others who hold different views than we do is a form of selfing, or having a fixed view of I, or a fixed view of we. I talked about how having fixed views is a very human way that we seek certainty in an ever-changing world, but the problem is: because we live in a world that is fluid, fixed views of self or of our group identity are fragile, and they take a lot of energy and vigilance to maintain.
As we shift how we view people who hold different beliefs than we do, we may also begin to look at how we talk with people who hold different views than we do. This brings us to wise speech. Do you have someone in your life, a friend, neighbor, family member who has different political views from yours? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. These days conversations about politics or how to solve difficult problems we are facing can become contentious or hurtful. How do we navigate this with wisdom? On Sunday 2.4.24 in the Courier the headline for the advice column caught my eye: Keeping politics out of my friendships. The writer describes how they avoid arguments by making certain topics off-limits. Which subjects? Politics, religion and sports. So, that’s one way to navigate speech, simply avoid certain topics that people have strong feelings about. I get it that sometimes we need a break from challenging conversations. And some people are too difficult to engage. And yet, in my view, in the times we live in, that’s a lot of social acreage to sidestep with the people we care about. And how are we going to solve these challenging crises we are facing if we can’t even talk with one another? I think we see the result of that kind of hateful polarization playing out in this election cycle. Maybe what is happening at a national level is a reflection of the dysfunction in our society, the inability to dialogue with one another. Not just at a national level; we see it here, in our City government, our school board. Talking civilly about our views, opinions, beliefs, and values at least gives us the chance to understand one another, and maybe even find some common ground that we didn’t know was there. I don’t want you to get the impression that I think we should be apolitical. That is not at all what I am saying. I hope I made that clear in my talk on the views we hold about others whose views and beliefs are different from ours. I think these times call for us to engage, even passionately, with the calamities we are facing. Maybe we even have an obligation to do so. A recent article in Tricycle called The Elephant in the Dharma Hall addresses this: In the pursuit of an all-inclusive apolitical Buddhism, we reinforce the perception that Buddhism is “other worldly” and not interested in or engaged with the most pressing issues of our time. In taking this stance, the various “Buddhisms” of the Western world acquire a pacific face firmly set against forms of political partiality, which renders them incapable of critiquing the current sociopolitical status quo. This, it could be argued, is an abnegation of the ethical responsibility that we have, not just as Buddhists but as human beings, to find ways of living in the world that benefit all and both recognizes and names injustice, inequality, exploitation, and the causes of environmental devastation. The author makes an interesting point; it really resonated with me. Buddhism isn’t inviting us to withdraw from the world, as some believe. Perhaps for you, too, Buddhism confers an ethical responsibility to find ways of being in life that is of benefit to others. We are building the capacity to engage skillfully – capacities like patience, curiosity, less clinging to the outcome of our efforts, or compassion (including toward self). I’m sure you can think of wholesome capacities that you have developed over time as a result of this practice. One I’ve noticed for myself lately is a better ability to be deeply moved by what is around me, but not overwhelmed. My heart is slowly opening more. I am not more disengaged or “other worldly” as my practice has deepened, although I have had my share of times when I thought spiritual pursuit was a great way to escape the suffering in the world – that I could rise above it all. I am surprised to find I have become more engaged, more in tune with the suffering of others. I seem to have more energy for others. I find myself a bit more curious and open, there’s a little less clinging to ideas about how things should be. I’m a little more equanimous in my efforts, so my efforts are more sustainable. Okay, so back to wise speech. I want to read a bit from Oren Jay Sofer’s book Say What You Mean. Sofer is a Buddhist teacher in our lineage. He has been practicing Nonviolent Communication for years, having studied with Marshall Rosenberg. This book is his clear and practical exploration of bringing together NVC and mindfulness teachings. [See page 2 and 3 of the introduction.] How do we do this? How do we bring our practices into the nitty gritty of our lives? In Sofer’s book he offers three foundations to bring to wholesome communication. Each of these steps is a profound practice in itself. 1. The first foundation: Lead with presence. This is the core of our daily mindfulness practice. It’s about self-awareness. To be able to express ourselves we have to be able to listen inwardly and know what is true for us. Leading with presence is to show up as fully as possible. Otherwise, we are probably on automatic, which means we probably won’t be able to remember our best skills for communicating, especially if we feel uncomfortable. Leading with presence means being in the mystery and uncertainty of the moment. There is a Zen saying: Not knowing is most intimate. When we are present, we are open and alive. 2. The second foundation: Come from curiosity and care. This step is about intention. This step helps us ensure we are pointed in the right direction. It’s about the how and why of communication. How we say something – tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures – are equally important to the words we use, maybe more important. Again, if we aren’t consciously choosing our intention, we are probably on automatic and we fall back on habitual patterns. We can be more skillful if we set the intention to come from curiosity and care. There’s a saying: Seek first to understand and then to be understood. If our genuine curiosity is wrapped in goodwill, that means we are committed to seeing the other person’s humanity, we can then see their values and needs. 3. The third foundation: Focus on what matters. This step hones our attention, training our mind’s capacity to discern what’s essential and then to be able to shift focus in an agile and responsive manner. There are so many things that happen in a conversation – where do we put our attention? In this part, Oren Jay Sofer goes to the heart of Nonviolent Communication. We learn to look for four things: What happened? How do you feel about it? Why? And where do we go from here. I won’t go into the details of this profound training, but if you are interested get Sofer’s book, or look into Nonviolent Communication. There’s a local group that meets on the first Sunday of the month at the Prescott Library. Our sangha member, Sharon Seymour is part of that group and sometimes leads the monthly meeting. That’s a lot to take in. Perhaps there is just one thing I’ve talked about that strikes you as relevant. See if you can let that enter your heart. Maybe it’s the importance that speech holds in the Buddha’s teachings; or how the practice calls us to engage skillfully in the world rather than withdraw, to stand up for the well-being of all life; or how mindfulness practice applies to communicating with others; or the power of having an intention to come from curiosity and care. I’ll wrap up by offering a simple skill that comes from Braver Angels, a national organization that is dedicated to fostering civil conversations across the political divide. (Along with Barbara Swain Estes and Lori Dekker, we have been teaching Braver Angels skills workshops at Yavapai College OLLI, and soon at a couple of local churches.) I want to emphasize that you get to choose with whom you engage in challenging political conversations, and when. I am not advocating that you head down to the next rally downtown and engage with the loudest protestor. Start with the people in your life, the people you care about. See if you can use this skill and come from presence and engage intentions of curiosity and care. This is from a workshop called Skills for Disagreeing Better. Here’s an easy way to remember the steps: acronym LAPP. Listen, acknowledge, pivot and perspective. L. The first step: Listen. Really listen. This ties back into the foundation of leading with presence. Mindfully listen. Listen with your whole being. Listen so you can say back to the person what you heard. This means not preparing your response while they are talking to you, tempting as that is. See if you can figure out what their underlying values and concerns are. Maybe you’ll even find something you agree with. If you want to take this to another level, study up on the values of people on the opposite side of the political spectrum from you. This will hone your listening skills. Listen. A. Acknowledge. Acknowledge what they have said. How do political conversations usually go? You say up, I say down. You say hot, I say cold. The key here is to connect before you disagree. Remember the foundation of coming from curiosity and care? Let the other person know that they have been heard. You can do that by acknowledging the content of what they said or their strong feelings. I hear you on… or I get that this issue is really important to you. You can say what you heard back to them. How often do we do that? It goes a long way to building connection. Acknowledge. P. Pivot. This is a powerful and useful tool. A pivot is a signal that you are about to offer your own viewpoint. If you’ve spent some time listening and acknowledging what the other person is saying, it is likely they will be open to hearing you. You can say something as simple as, Can I offer my thoughts on this? Wait for a verbal or nonverbal agreement. They may not be ready. You may need to listen and acknowledge more. P. Perspective. This is the point where you share your views on the subject. You’ve listened, acknowledged, and pivoted. Here are some hints on sharing your perspective: Use I-statements, rather that truth-statements. This is how I see it, rather than, This is how it is! You can name your sources or offer up a personal story that explains how you came to this view. Remember Oren Jay Sofer’s suggestion from NVC: how I see what is happening, how I feel about it, why I feel this way, and where I’d like to see things going from here. Mentioning something you agree with builds connection. Avoid using negative labels, stereotypes, and disparaging words. LAPP: Listen, acknowledge, pivot and perspective. So much of life is about communication. It underpins our relationships, our work in the world, our advocacy for what we care about. Here’s a quote that Bradley included in our weekly newsletter recently: The practice is not just about our own personal awakening, enlightenment, or freedom. The path is not just about personal salvation. It is about our collective journey and transformation toward a shared experience of wisdom and tenderness… The creation of peace in the world, which so desperately needs it, is no different than the creation of peace within ourselves. – Larry Yang Dedication: May this offering be of benefit to all beings. May we have the courage to reach out with kindness and curiosity. May all beings participate in our collective transformation toward shared wisdom and well-being. References: Braver Angels Skills for Disagreeing Better workshop Oren Jay Sofer’s book Say What You Mean Oren Jay Sofer’s dharma talk The Art of Mindful Communication: Right Speech in a Post-Truth World Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication
1 Comment
Suzanne
6/25/2024 07:21:00 pm
Hi Carol -
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